Five

On Monday night, I said goodnight and goodbye to four year old Harper. Then I sat in my office and cried for a good hour (it didn't help that I was looking through photos of the last year). This year her birthday was especially hard for me. It might have even been the hardest.

Five just seems SO big. Like losing teeth, going to school, and reading on her own big. Having her own opinions big. Not always wanting or needing me big. Wanting to go trick-or-treating by herself (which is not happening, FYI) big. Wanting to play in her room, by herself, big. Becoming more of her own person big. Just BIG.

Four was a good year for Harper. She did a lot of growing, physically, emotionally, and mentally. She wears a size 8 now, for heaven's sake! She learned so many things in preschool and ballet. She learned how to ice skate and swim and even became quite a good little horse rider. I am always so impressed with Harper's ability to pick up on new things. She is definitely a girl of many gifts. Thinking about her many talents actually inspired me to give her Miss Rumphius as her birthday book this year. I am hoping to see Harper become like Miss Alice Rumpius and use her gifts to make the world a more beautiful place.

I think the thing that is making five such an emotional milestone for me is kindergarten. This year I will have to send Harper to school. I will have to hand her, and her education (at least in part), over to someone else five days a week. For the first time, she will be out of my protection and my influence. She will be around kids that don't have the same values as her. She might get a crummy teacher (please no....). She might hear bad words on the playground. She'll start to have parts of her life that don't directly include me and that is one terrifying thought.

And it doesn't end there. Kindergarten is just the beginning. It's like the beginning of the end. She'll go to kindergarten and then before I know it, she'll be moving to college.

The world scares me. We have had to leave the park three times this year because of swearing, dirty talk and, in one instance, an arrest (yes, someone was literally arrested in the middle of a children's playground... I could not find Harper and get out of there quickly enough). I am really afraid to send Harper out into it, even for just a short morning or afternoon of kindergarten. I am wishing, hoping, and praying that the world is kind and respectful to her, and vice versa.

These past five years have flown by. I feel like it was just yesterday that Harper was a newborn, all tiny and smelling like baby lotion (technically, she still smells like baby lotion... I can't help it... I just can't stop buying it) and formula, completely dependent on me. I miss newborn Harper. I miss baby Harper and toddler Harper. I miss three year old obsessed with Ariel and tutus Harper. I miss four year old Harper, even though four year old Harper cut her bangs completely off.

I am so excited to know five year old Harper, even if I'm not ready for her. I can't wait to see what she will learn, think, say, and do this year. Being able to experience life with Harper is my greatest joy and blessing and I know, without doubt, that five is going to be good to her.

Speaking of the upcoming year, here are some of our 2014/15 preschool photos. You can just go ahead and be jealous of me. I would be too, if I were you, because I spend my days with some pretty adorable (okay, ridiculously beyond adorable) little people.