Making Peace with Yoga

I consider yoga to be a huge part of my life, which is a really hypocritical thing to say when you consider that I haven't consistently practiced yoga for nearly five years.

It's not that I haven't had time for yoga or that I haven't had the desire to practice. It's not even that I was lacking in opportunity- I have two yoga mats at home plus a pretty large DVD collection. There are also a number of studios within a few minutes' drive from our home. Additionally, I always have the option of just rolling out my mat and enjoying my favorite poses from memory.

The problem has been me and my perfectionism. You see, I haven't felt as if I deserved yoga because I wasn't as skinny/organized/"perfect" as I was five years ago, before pregnancy, motherhood, and the gift of acceptance that I gave myself for my 27th birthday.

I've wanted, and needed, to practice. There has been a huge void in my life without yoga. I've wanted to roll out my mat and hear the sticky sound of my hands/feet moving upon it. I've wanted to feel the balance and strength that I always come to through yoga. I've wanted to feel graceful (which I'm not naturally- I can't dance or play sports but when I'm on my yoga mat, I feel graceful and I love it) and tall. I just couldn't make myself do it when my house was messy and my body wasn't as I'd like to be.

I made a goal for 2013. I made a goal to start practicing yoga again no matter what- no matter how messy or imperfect my life/house/body is. I made this goal as a gift to myself because I love yoga. I think yoga is beautiful and graceful and possibly the most peaceful thing I could do. I love yoga because it makes me feel closer to God and to myself.

via pinterest

January, February, and March went by and I didn't do any yoga. When April came, I told myself that it was time. I wasn't going to let my goal fall to the wayside with all of the other well-intended resolutions.

 It was time to make peace with yoga. It was time to learn how to practice in the midst of chaos- how to find the balance and peace that I love so much, no matter what I weigh or how straight -or not straight- the throw pillows on my sofas are.

It's been a rough couple of weeks, but I've been faithful. I started slowly, with short sessions, and struggled through awkwardness and frustration. I'm now up to an hour at at time and although I have a long way to go before I'm back where I once was, I'm feeling good. My breath is smooth and my body is starting to loosen up a bit.

I'm practicing at random hours of the day and with all sorts of things going on around me. I've learned how to practice yoga with Harper doing any number of things- eating, coloring, playing- in the same room. Sometimes she joins me, which I love, and sometimes she drives me crazy with questions and demands, which I don't love. I've learned how to lie in corpse pose with Hazel (and oftentimes Tucker) snuggling up against me. I've learned how to pause my practice in the middle of a session so that I can get something for Harper or take a quick phone call from Colt or a parent and then return to my practice with a clear mind and even temper. I've learned how to have a successful practice even when there are tasks to be done. I've learned that I can do yoga no matter what the scale says.

I really feel like I've learned more about yoga in the last month than in all of the time I spent practicing and studying it before. Of course I enjoyed yoga when I was 94 pounds and a member of a local studio, where I could go practice without distractions or worries. That was easy. This new practice that I'm making peace with has been hard. Learning to love yoga at home with an imperfect body and a whole bunch of distractions is a true challenge- one that I readily accept.

Truthfully, I am quite proud of myself for making and working on this goal because yoga really is a must in my life- a spiritual, physical, and mental must. We all have things in life that we need- that we can't fully live with out. My things are learning, reading, music, exercise, and yoga. I need yoga the way that others need prayer or weekly devotional services. I need the peace of mind that it brings and the time out that it offers me and I'm so glad that I found the courage to make peace with it so that it can be a part of my daily life once again.

I'm going to practice at home for a while longer. In a month or so, I'm going to start taking classes (this is on my 2013 Bucket List so ya'll had better hold me to it, you hear?). I don't have a lot of free time so I'm plan on aiming for a once a week class. I'd also like to order Harper her own mat and help her start a practice of her own. If you have any kids yoga DVD suggestions, please send them my way.

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So I have a question (not hypothetical). What are your things? What things do you need? What things are so much a part of you that you can't imagine life without them?