Mothering a toddler is quite different from mother an infant/baby. For one thing, it requires a nearly impossible amount of patience (I will never know how impatient people raise children). Secondly, it forces you to let go on a daily basis because at every moment, your toddler is becoming more and more independent (this part, it kills me).
Harps went from being a sweet and loving baby to a feisty little toddler. Her mood swings are intense and utterly unpredictable. She screamed at me for 10 minutes this morning because I gave her a pink sippy cup instead of a green sippy cup. This afternoon, it was reverse. I offered her a green sippy cup and our world fell apart because she had expected a pink one. (Harper has recently learned that she can break my heart by refusing my comfort and saying- nay, screaming-, "I want MY daddy!"at me). There was also a moment today when I tried to lotion Harper. She was so angry that she threw my phone at me, breaking my cutest ever Kate Spade iPhone case.
Miraculously, I didn't beat her.
Sometimes Harper wants to wear a pull-up. Other times, a diaper. She refuses to wear anything that I choose. It's always her choice (and oftentimes, she looks like a mismatched hobo) and she must wear a skirt every second, even at night (it's been ages since Harps wore actual pajamas). Right now, she's obsessed with her red shoes and despite the fact that her drawer is full of darling sandals, loafers, and ballet flats, she refuses to wear any other pair. She doesn't like having her hair washed. She doesn't like lotion. She has to have just the right amount of juice. Sometimes Harper wants a "BIIIG" juice and then sometimes she wants a "bebe" juice and you must know that she never tells me beforehand which she wants. She waits until I offer her juice and then screams at me because it's wrong.
Harper makes messes like you wouldn't believe (unless your the mother of a toddler, of course). I've had ham fried rice covering every inch of my living room (she still talks about the time that "Pahper threw the rice") and an entire bottle of nail polish dumped on my carpet. Messes and Harper have a magnetic attraction. She just can't resist dumping/throwing/splashing whatever she thinks will make a mess. I've given up cleaning when she's awake and at this point, I'm just thankful that I live in the time of the vacuum.
I'm starting to understand just why Max's mom called him a "Wild Thing!" and sent him to his room.
Raising a toddler is frustrating- the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced. It's chaotic (messes and tantrums and odd sleeping hours make for a life of utter randomness) and emotional (the constant letting go is really hard and makes me want another sweet baby in my life- I'm starting to see why people have more than one child) and terrifying (I don't want to fail her) and trying (I promise you that no job is as trying as this job).
But it's also wonderful. It's full of surprise and delight and entertainment and magic and love- in every moment of every day, it's full of love.
When Harper isn't screaming at me or protesting my choice of food/clothing/movie/toy/book, she's loving me. The girl loves to cuddle. I can't sit on the sofa without her crawling into my lap (and really, I need to sit on the sofa more because I love those lap snuggles when I can hold Harper and kiss/smell her sweet curls all at once) and I can't put her to bed without her asking, "book time?" You know that kills me, don't you? Reading with Harper is magical and so fun and I love that she's starting to really enjoy books (Corduroy, Lady and the Tramp, The Cat in the Hat, and Shoe-la-la are her current favorites). Sometimes, I'm tired and hence, tempted to say no and just forget stories for a night but I can never deny her. I'm always thankful for that because story time always winds up being the best part of my day.
I feel as if I fail Harper on a daily basis. I'm never as patient as I should be and a lot of times, I get wound up in tasks/chores/internet fun and forget to play with my her. The guilt I feel every day weighs on me. I never feel as if I've done/loved/played/read/sang enough. I never go to bed thinking, "Today I was a perfect parent."
And I never expect to.
Thankfully, Harper is resilient and forgiving. In the same way that I forgive her her tantrums and messes, she quickly and lovingly forgives me my misgivings. Harper doesn't know it but she has taught me how to be more forgiving of myself and how to slow down. Harper has shown me that fun is more important than a clean house and that an hour at the park is always better than an hour on pinterest and that it's okay to snuggle on the couch when the house isn't perfectly clean and toys are covering every inch of the floor.
At this point, I'm just trying to be here for Harper. I'm trying to get on her level and make myself available to her for play, love, learning, teaching, and whatever else she may want from me. I just want to offer whatever she needs in each moment. Therefore, I'm trying to be quiet. I'm trying to listen (literally and figuratively) to her. I want to be right for her but still give her the space to be Harper. I'm trying to sit on the sofa more often. I'm trying to take things slowly and to soak up every bit of toddler Harper that I can because heaven knows that I love that girl.
I love Harper more than life and I have big hopes and wishes for her happiness. I'm trying to be the mother that she needs right now (and right now, she needs a patient mother who is good with a broom) and I'm trying to be better everyday, not just as a mother, so that I can be a person that she looks up to and is proud of.
I'm trying to love Harper and teach her as best I can about this world and about compassion and love. I'm trying to let my love guide me as a parent (my brain gave up months ago). I'm trying to set an example of positive thinking/living/loving for her. I'm not always succeeding and I realize that and I'm okay with that. What I am always doing is trying. In every moment, I'm trying and if you ask me, that's what really counts.
We can't just give birth and be a parent. Becoming a parent, I've learned, is a journey. It didn't happen when Harper was born. It's happening now. Everyday, I'm becoming more of a parent (and hopefully a better one) and I'm loving it. This journey is that craziest, most frustrating, most miraculous, most heavenly journey I've ever been on it and even with messes (seriously, as I type, Harper is spitting water out of her mouth and laughing about it) and tantrums, I'm grateful for it.
I'm grateful for Harper. I love her little toddler self so much. She is an absolute treat in my life. Her laugh and her stinky toes and her chubby hands and her kissable cheeks and her curly hair and her ridiculous mermaid obsession are delights to me. I can't imagine a day without them.
A late night dress-up.
Thank you, Abby. I really needed to read this. It's hard for me to stay focused - especially when The Little Miss is having tantrum filled day where she wants nothing to do with me, but like you said, every day is new and a chance to begin again. Thank heavens.
ReplyDeleteWere your boys easier? I keep telling myself that if we have another child, it will have to be less intense than Harper. There is no way I can have two of these feisty little ones around. I love Harper and am actually glad that she is willing to stand up for what she wants and that she has a mind of her own but boy, it can be frustrating!
DeleteAbby, this is beautiful. And so absolutely true of raising a toddler. (My lil' miss is 25 1/2 mos.) It sounds like you're doing a great job. It's not easy to be patient and willing to let the messes lie while you snuggle. But it is DEFINITELY the right thing.
ReplyDeleteIt has occurred to me before that we become the kind of parents we wish we had had. Or, at least, making our parents weaknesses into our strengths. I imagine that our own parents were the same way. And it makes me wonder what kind of parents my mom and dad had, and what kind of parents my children will be. What will they see as my faults?
Sorry to hijack. My mom reads my blog and I don't know if I could post that on my blog. :o)
I know that I am trying to be the kind of parent I wish I'd had. I had two sets of parents and out of the four of them, my adopted father is the only one that I want to be like. I'm trying to give Harper the love and emotional stability that I never had. I'm trying to be more open minded with her than my parents were with me. I hope that someday, when/if she has a daughter of her own, that she will want to be at least a little bit like me. I'd feel terrible if she grew up and wanted to be nothing like me (which is how I feel about 3/4 of my parents).
DeleteI think the key is never letting yourself believe that you're perfect or that you know everything just because you are the parent. Every moment is a learning opportunity and I think that you have to aim a bit higher with each new day. 3/4 of my parents didn't do that. My dad did, in both work and personal life, and I'm so proud of him for it.