The Gift of Acceptance

I woke up yesterday and decided to give myself a birthday present.

I decided to give myself the gift of acceptance.

For nearly two years, I've struggled. I've been at constant war with my scale and several pairs of jeans. I'm pretty little now but before I got pregnant, I was super skinny- like 94 pounds skinny- and it controlled my life. I will spare you the emotional details that were involved in my obsession with skinny. I'll just tell you that I was so obsessed that I even took my scale on vacation. True story.

I thought that once Harper was born, I'd go right back to 94 pounds and move on with my life. It seemed like it was going to be easy and to a point, it was easy. I dropped weight like crazy and felt like I was getting my "old self" back again. Then I hit a stopping point. My body refused (and still refuses) to lose the last 6 pounds. I've stressed over 6 pounds for the last 22 months. I've cried over them. I've done harmful things to my body over them. I've hated myself over them.

Well, those 6 pounds can go straight to hell because I'm done. Yesterday, without any reservation whatsoever, I decided that I deserve better than constant self loathing. For my birthday and in celebration of myself, I took all of the jeans (and there were quiet a few... Remember, I worked at Buckle... When you get 40% off, you buy jeans... Lots of them) that won't fit an extra 6 pounds of Abby and got rid of them. Instantly, I felt like an enormous stress (one much bigger than 6 pounds, believe me) had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt amazing. Finally, I felt ready to really love myself again- to accept myself, even with those 6 stubborn and unruly pounds.

I know that this might seem sort of trivial- and maybe even immature- to you but remember, we all have our trials. This is mine. Weight, body image, food- these things have been constant struggles for me for as long as I can remember (truly, I went on my first "diet" when I was 4). Slowly, I'm making peace with them. Slowly, I'm learning how to deal with them. I don't post about this very often because it is so personal for me. I had to make an exception today, though, because I'm just so excited about the newly empty jean shelf in my closet. I'm so excited to have those jeans out of here. I'm excited because they will no longer determine how much I like myself (and how much I allow myself to eat/drink) every day.

When I let go of preconceptions about weight and worth and when I really think about it, I don't want my "old self" back. She may have been 6 pounds smaller and she may have looked amazing in a size 24 but that "old self" wasn't quite as blessed as I am. She didn't have Harper and she wasn't married to Colt. She didn't successfully run her own business and she didn't have a blog. I would never any of these things for that "old self." Never. Ever. Ever.

Besides, that "old self" used to feel guilty about food- even healthy food- and even though she loved it more than any other food ever, she wouldn't even let herself have House Pasta Salad from Red Butte Cafe..

That "old self" Abby... She may have been skinny but she was obviously not very nice. A nice person would never deny anyone- herself especially- something as wonderful as House Pasta Salad.

I made sure to eat every single bite of my House Pasta Salad at my birthday dinner last night. It was delish- it always is.

I had a wonderful day yesterday- seriously, I felt so loved. If you were a part of yesterday, thank you. Thank you a million times.

I spent the day with Harper (and four other little people), talked to my mom, texted and facebooked with a lot of good friends, and enjoyed dinner with Colt and his sisters. It was really great and I couldn't have asked for a better 28th birthday.

I started the day off with some Harper snuggles. We watched Little Einsteins and ate peanut butter, banana, and Ritz cracker mini sandwiches for breakfast. They were delicious- so were the Harper snuggles. 

Colt sent me an Edible Arrangement (good thing he's not married to the "old self" Abby. She would not have eaten it...) and I loved it. So did Harper.

After Harper's little friends (daycare children) went home, we got ready for dinner. While we were waiting for Colt, Harper and I had a mini photo sesh.

Red Butte Cafe is one of my favorite SLC spots and I was excited to go there last night. My sisters-in-law had never been there and I couldn't wait for them to try it.

Harper decided to flash the entire patio of patrons. If my legs and tummy were as cute as hers, I'd want to show them off, too.

The good news is that I received several Nordstrom gift cards for my birthday (thank you, thank you Calli, Kenzie, Katie, mom, and dad!). I think it's time to go jean shopping.